This work of adult fiction, loosely based on characters portrayed by Russell Crowe, includes adult language and experiences; you have been warned.  No copyright infringement on the original work is intended.  Copyright Reagan Kavanagh & Diana Walker 2007.




DIANA
“Reags, can’t you waddle any faster?”
 
“Shut the fuck up.  At least you aren’t having to fetch your own liquid refreshment.”  She was laughing when she said it.  She was making sure we stayed well hydrated.
 
The smoker was working on our dinner – my brisket and Celeste’s jerk chicken; the ’fridge was full of salads.  All we’d have to do is unload the smoker and ’fridge onto platters and plunk them on the dining room table, now resplendent with blue plates and red glasses – all throwaway plastic.  The only thing we’d have to wash was the silverware; it could go into the dishwasher and be ready for Sunday breakfast.    
 
The implements of destruction had gone to the deer lease with the guys.  Their women were engaged in construction in their absence.  At least with women working, I didn’t have to worry about wood screws on the ground for the animals to step on or eat; women pick up after themselves.  On Monday – to be on the safe side - I’d run the metal detector over the paddock where we’re working today.  My work crew consisted of myself, Reags, Ellie, Nancy, Sooze and Dolores, Sarah, and Celeste and her daughter, Nona.  Celeste’s boys hadn’t been invited on the guys’ work weekend and had whined enough that she’d let them spend the time we were working with friends from school.  Okie provided the charm and Junior, the cat, the comfort.  We could get by without Holly’s enthusiasm.  The horses had finally come to terms with the temporary fencing arrangement and were grazing contentedly, keeping an eye on us.  We were all set.
 
Our job for the weekend was assembling wooden jump standards and painting the poles.  Because of our added acreage, I could finally have a stadium course; that required I finally have real jumps.  I’d made do with cinderblocks as standards long enough.  I had a group of extremely competent women with me; all of them were more than adept with virtually all tools, and the only thing I needed to do was show them how to put the standards together and drill the holes for the jump cup attachments.  The sole exception to that extremely competent definition was Sarah.
 
Sarah, like Reags, Sooze, and Dolores, was a product of Catholic schools.  The difference lay in the fact that Sarah had grown up in a city, gone from high school to St. Mary’s in San Antonio, and had majored in child development and child care, as the only thing she’d ever wanted to do was be a nanny.  She’d never lived on a farm, and on leaving her parents’ home in Houston, she’d lived in the dorm and then in a high-rise apartment building.  If anything went wrong, she picked up the phone and called maintenance, the repair person appeared, did the repairs, and left.  Let’s face it; the families Sarah had worked for could well afford nannies as well as maintenance men.  Now Sarah was getting a taste of what normal family life is like where you try to fix things yourself before calling in the repair squad.  She knew what a screwdriver was for, but that was the extent of her knowledge.  I’m not at all sure she knew how to use one.  We’d have to teach her from the ground up.
 
I’d always had hopes of eventually being able to have my own stadium course; I’d bought the wood on spec over the years and let it cure over time.  The cheaper the wood, the less likely it was to be cured correctly when it came from the mill.  By cured, I mean the longer the tree was out of the ground, the more the wood fibers would twist, and the stronger the wood becomes.  Twisting wood fibers also have a downside.  The downside happens when the fibers twist too much, and the wood starts to corkscrew; you can’t use wood that’s crooked for uprights.  I’d made sure we didn’t have to deal with twisted wood.
 
Junior and I had spent the entire prior week cutting the pieces to the correct lengths and shapes, so all we had to do this weekend was break out the power tools, assemble, and paint.  All of us except Sarah had work gloves, and Sooze had picked up a pair for her.  We’d had breakfast and were ready to start.  I’d relegated Reags to waddling back and forth with drinks, and there was no way she’d get close to paint because of the fumes.  Fortunately, she knew all the potential dangers and had self-selected out of the actual construction and painting projects. 
 
I didn’t want Sooze being the one to ‘teach’ Sarah what to do.  I’d learned when Terry and I hung pictures that some tasks are best NOT accomplished with one’s partner and had put Sarah to work with Celeste.  I’d originally paired Dolores and Nona so they could get to know each other, but Reags had let me know in no uncertain terms what a stupid idea that was.
 
“Dee, you cannot put two teenaged girls together as a team on a project like this.  They’ll be too competitive to get anything accomplished, and barring that, they’ll be so busy comparing boyfriends, clothes, music, and their favourite actors and singers that they won’t get a damned thing done.  Put them with anyone other than each other or their mothers.  Even better, pull one of them every so often and let them ‘help’ me.  Putting up with a pregnant woman will be educational for them.  Better yet, the experience of dealing with me might help us instill a sense of population control!”  I’d laughed, but she was right.
 
“Yeah, OK, and I remind you again that I don’t do young of any species.”  We’d both laughed.
 
 
“Okay, Ladies – assuming I can call you that – watch and learn.  I know all of you can wield a drill and screwdriver with the best of them, but jump standards are new for you.  The technique is the same, but you need to make sure you have no rough edges.  Think of driving a jagged two-inch splinter through one of your breasts while moving at a speed of ten miles an hour.”  The pained looks told me they got my point. 
 
“That’s what can happen to a horse if he hits the standard and the wood isn’t smooth from where we drilled and cut it.”  More pained looks.  “Junior and I ran the sander over the cuts we made, but it’s up to you guys to make sure it’s all smooth as a baby’s butt.”  I started my demonstration.
 
“Grab a piece of plywood so you have an even surface to work on.”  I dropped the four-by-four plywood on the ground and knelt on it. 
 
I pulled a standard from the pile.  “Take one of these standards or uprights, you’ll hear me call it both, and lay it flat on the plywood.”
 
“See these pieces of wood with the rounded side?”  I saw nods all around.  “You need four of them for each standard; these are the feet.
 
“Take a foot and put the square side flush against the standard.  Mark four holes on the foot in a square where it intersects with the upright.  Pre-drill the four holes you just marked then insert these long screws with the washers into the holes and screw them into the standard.”  I’d been marking, drilling, and screwing as I went along.
 
“Rotate the standard and the attached foot one quarter turn and repeat.  Or try standing it up once the first foot is attached.  I’ve only ever put these together by myself so laying the sucker down is the only way I’ve ever tried.”  I heard recognition laughter; we’d all been in situations where a second set of hands would have been useful, but we’d finished the task without help by hook or by crook.  I torqued down the last screw and set the standard on its feet so they’d have a finished product to examine. 
 
I stood back and looked at the standard with a sense of pride, and emotions welled within me.  It was a symbol.  I’d named my farm The Hawthorne; I’d always thought it was a bit lofty for a riding establishment, even if it was just me riding, when I only had cavaletti and stacked two-core concrete blocks for jumps.  That first assembled standard added another bit of distance from my considering the place ‘Make Do Farms.’
 
Without Terry, The Hawthorne would have remained Make Do Farms.  He had breathed a renewed vitality into me.  I wish he was here.       
 
 
CELESTE
Nona and Dolores seemed to like each other a lot, and I was happy for that.  Nona’s made friends here, but the school she goes to is one in which she’s still struggling for acceptance.  Dolores welcomed her with open arms.  The school situation here is one in which my children are among the few non-Whites, and that’s been difficult for them because of their darker skin colour.  At home they looked like everyone else. 
 
Junior and I are what people here call quadroon, and our skin is considered dark, but with a more buttery shade.  The children stand out, and though they’re beginning to make friends, none of them have really close friends yet.  Nona and Dolores are about the same colour because of Dolores’ Hispanic heritage.  That made her someone my daughter was more comfortable with than the pale-skinned girls at her school.  Like both attracts and understands like.
 
Another issue for my children is that they not only had ethnicity working against them – at least for now – they were also trying to work their way into friendships of many years standing.  This part of the county is stable, and the families in this area have been here for many years.  It’s only now beginning to experience housing growth and new children entering the school.  The children here have known each other since kindergarten, and their friendships are well established.  Children and teenagers are even more likely to move in cliques than are adults, and my children were trying to break into those cliques.  It isn’t an easy thing to do.

Junior’s move to Texas had been good for all of us even with the settling in difficulties.  He and I were accepted more easily than our children.  The class structure we came from is non-existent here; he’s preparing to hunt with our employer and his farming mentor. 
 
Junior initially had fears about being invited along on this work weekend.  He thought he might be trading one work for another and had only been invited for his brawn.  Junior had changed his mind when Bill asked him whether his lost wages for the two weekends would be a hardship for us.  Bill volunteered to exempt him from the work detail and have Junior go only for the hunting weekend. 
 
Dolores and Nona had been chattering away and suddenly both of them smiled.  Nona came to me and asked the question.
 
“Mama, may Dolores sleep at our house tonight instead of at Madame Thorne’s?”  I smiled.  We normally speak Jamaican at home, and when Nona is excited, she slips into it.  My Nona was very excited now.  We’ve had many lessons on not excluding others by using our language when others who don’t speak it are near.  I was proud of her for not slipping into our native language.  My daughter is most anxious to find another friend.  She could ask for no better; Dolores is truly a dear child.  Her mother has taught her to be kind and thoughtful as well as to be a lady, values I have also worked to instill in Nona.  Perhaps Dolores and Nona can make the first steps to becoming tri-lingual tonight.
 
“I think that would be wonderful, Nona.  Go and ask her mother if it’s acceptable with her.  Now both of you get back to work.”  I turned to listen as Diana was now telling us who would be working with whom.  I smiled when she paired me with Sooze.
 
We got the first foot attached to the upright and moved to the second.  Sooze is easy to work with and not afraid of labour.  Our conversation whilst doing the first foot had been of how to do the job, but with the second, it moved the direction of two mothers talking.
 
“How far do you and Junior live from here, Celeste?”
 
“We’re in the old Bowen house, two houses down from here.  It’s the one just past where Nancy and Bill live.”
 
“How do you like living in the States?  When I moved up here from the Valley, it was like going to another country.”
 
“It’s much less crowded than Mo Bay.”
 
“Mo Bay?”  I laughed.
 
“Montego Bay.  We call it Mo Bay like you say Big D.”
 
“Gotcha!”  She nodded toward the girls.  They were taking a break from working with Nancy and Ellie and had their heads together again.  “I think both our girls have found a new friend.”  It was good to see.
 
“I think so, too, and I’m glad for them.”
 
“Me, too, Celeste.  Me, too.”
 
 
REAGAN
I may not be toting barges and lifting bales, but I was getting my exercise for the day.  I know I’d carried 30 gallons of water and Gator-Aid to the rest of the group before noon.  I’d cast a longing glance at the hammock Terry and Dee have between the two big trees in the back yard but knew there was no way in Hell the other women would want to haul my pregnant ass out of it if I gave in to temptation.  Max and I had one at home, and it took all his strength to get me out of it.  I’d have to wait until he got home from the cabin to get any hammock time.
 
I’d been watching Nona and Dolores, and they were having a wonderful time getting to know each other.  The problem was keeping them away from each other and working.  Dee and Sarah were a team, and watching them was a hoot.  Sarah was a self-acknowledged klutz when it came to anything more mechanical than pumping gas into her car, and try though she might, Dee wasn’t having much success in changing that reality.  I waddled my way over to them and watched.  Hell, I had nothing else to do at the moment, and it was getting to the funny stage.
 
Dee was trying not to laugh at Sarah’s attempts to get a screw in straight, and both finally gave up on their individual efforts.
 
“Dee, I’ll make a deal with you.  I’ll hand you whatever you want to work with if you’ll just point at it.  It’s going to be a LOT safer for the horses if you’re the one putting in the screws.” 
 
Dee grinned as she nodded.  “I think you’re right!”
 
 
We’d made it through the day with 15 jumps assembled and painted.  It was almost dark by the time we got back into the house, and Dee opened the bar.  I wanted a beer so badly I could taste it but settled for Diet Coke.  We all groaned as we sank to chairs and sofas.  I hadn’t done any physical labour, but trotting back and forth with liquid refreshment all day when you’re carrying around 20 extra pounds is fatiguing. 
 
Celeste and Dee came in the back door and sang out.  “Dinner is served!”
 
Despite my hard argued position for her to have bar-b-que and all the requisite sides plus desserts delivered, she, Celeste, and Nancy had done their own catering.  At least Dee’d gone with plastic plates and glasses.  All we’d have to do was eat, roll up the trash and toss it away, and shove leftovers into baggies.  Good thing, because that’s all anyone had energy for tonight.  Even Dolores and Nona were exhausted.  Dolores might be spending the night with Nona, but Celeste wouldn’t need to worry about them keeping her awake half the night giggling.  I’d bet those two kids would be out like a light as soon as they crawled into bed.
 
Over dinner, we gave Nona and Dolores an education.  We laughed a lot over the various close calls of the day with banged fingers, but that was as serious an injury as had occurred.  The educational bit was when the so-called adults began laughing and swapping stories about the men in our lives.  We kept it comparatively clean because of the girls, but they did get an earful. 
 
Nancy got it started with what seemed an innocent question.  “Wonder how Pete and Holly are enjoying the steaks Dee sent for their dinner tonight?”
 
Dee snorted, tilted her head to one side, and brought clasped hands up next to her cheek in the classic feminine gesture of rapture.  “Holly won’t care as long as Ter-ry feeds it to her.  I am so glad she’s a dog instead of a human female.  I’d hate like hell to have to kill the bi… my competition.”
 
I laughed as I tried to speak.  “If she was human, you’d have a job on your hands.  I’ve never seen a dog as enchanted with a human of the opposite sex.  Jesus, even Pandora isn’t that goofy about Max, and she adores him.”  I noted from the corner of my eye that Celeste was looking a little concerned, and I knew what was coming.
 
“Nona, I know you and Dolores must be tired.  Why don’t you take my keys and go home?  You can have your showers and watch the television or listen to music until you’re ready to sleep.”  Uh-huh …I’d probably be doing that myself in a few years.  The rationale was lost on both girls, and they stood as Dolores spoke to Sooze.
 
“Mom, may I have the car keys?  My new Beyonce CD is in the car, and I can take it with me so we can listen to it.”
 
“Sure, Baby.  Just bring the keys back to me before you head to Celeste’s.”
 
The girls were out of there in a heartbeat, and Dolores bounded back to the door ten seconds later, tossing the keys toward her mother, shouted ‘Night, Mom,’ and they were gone.  It’s been a few years since I’ve worked with adolescents, and I’d forgotten what a whirlwind a teen-aged girl could be.  Whichever gender this baby is, I hope to Christ I can keep up with him or her in 15 years.
 
Now that the girls were gone, we could get down to seriously trashing the men.  Before any of us could say another word, Okie walked to the centre of the lounge, sat and looked round to insure he had everyone’s attention; he did simply because he’s such a charming little bugger.  You can’t help but notice him, and the little shit knows that, and he plays it to the hilt.  The next thing we knew, he was farting into the carpet and the sound was muffled, emerging as little melodious toots. 
 
Ellie looked at us and asked the obvious question.  “Is that why they call it tooting?”
 
It was a little melody and lasted about five seconds.  By the time he’d finished, we were laughing like loons. 
 
I was wiping the tears from my eyes when Nancy popped up.  “Don’t you just hate it when they fart under the covers?”
 
“Sometimes I think Terry lets one rip to annoy me.  Thank God he sleeps spooned up behind me so I don’t get the full effect.  Then he blames one of the dogs.”  I spit Coke all over myself …again.  They looked at me.
 
“At least Max tries to muffle it, not that he succeeds very often.  God, what do you guys want to bet they’re having a farting contest this weekend?”  More shouts of laughter. 
 
“Well, with Holly there, I know who’s going to win!”
 
Celeste was laughing so hard she was shaking.  “It doesn’t bother me so much when Junior farts, but when he pees in the middle of the night, he seems to do it louder, as if he’s trying to wake me.” 
 
Ellie snorted through her laughter.  “Jesus, Celeste, if he wants sex, why doesn’t he just poke you with it?” 
 
“It annoys the crap out of me when Terry wakes up to pee because before he’ll settle in and go back to sleep, he has to flip open the laptop – he keeps it by the bed – and the light from the display wakes me every time.”  Ellie, Sarah and I nodded because Max, Dino, and Sooze do the same damned thing.  She wasn’t done yet.
 
“I’ve been known to seduce him just to get him to close the damned thing …you think he does it on purpose?”  Sooze started to nod and stopped as Sarah’s head whipped round to look at her.  Sooze has been around Max and Terry too long; she’s starting to channel their glowers with Dino’s chin jut to boot.  I managed to answer, but it was through strangled laughter.
 
“Well if you’re seducing him to get him to close the laptop, you’re sure as shit reinforcing the behaviour!” 
 
Nancy was laughing when she spoke.  “We only have our ancient Apple, and I’m not as computer literate as you guys, but Bill’s kept a book beside the bed and turned on the light to read ever since we married.  So, Dee, speaking from 44 years of experience, yes, I’d say he’s doing it on purpose.  Bill has me very well trained!”
 
Even though we ranged in age from mid-30s to 60-ish, women ALL have some things in common.  Nancy’s comment clearly indicated that she and Bill still had an active sex life, and the looks of amazement from the younger women in the room – Celeste, Sooze, and Sarah – said they were amazed at that knowledge.  It was also clear that they now had high hopes for having an active sex life into their 60s themselves. 
 
Dee looked round the room at all of us.  “What else do they do that pisses us off?  Reags, you can opt out of this one, or I can answer for you.  Each time Max does something that pisses you off, one of you ends up here, sleeping on our couch!”
 
“That’s only true when I’m pregnant or trying to get pregnant …the rest of the time, he’s perfect!” 
 
Sooze was waiting for that one.  “Oh, give me a fucking break!”  She sat back, smiled, and crossed her arms over her chest as she looked round the room.  “Now that I’m a partner, I can say things like that and not worry about losing my job!”  I laughed so hard I was afraid I’d pee on myself and bolted for the bathroom.  Ellie’s voice followed me down the hall.
 
“And you need to start paying rent to Terry and Dee, Reags, because you’re always trying to get pregnant!”
 
“Let Max pay the rent …he’s the one who comes here because if I leave, I check into a hotel!”  I didn’t bother closing the bathroom door because I was afraid I’d miss something.  I’ve never peed and washed my hands so fast in my life. 
 
Nancy was talking when I got back in the room.  “You know what Bill does that gets on my last nerve?  The man is tone deaf.  He can’t carry a tune in a frigging bucket, and every Sunday at church, he sings so loudly that I can’t carry my own tune!  He pulls me and everyone in three pews around us off key!  I’ve asked him a thousand times to sing softer, and that just seems to make him sing louder.  Talk about reinforcing bad behaviour!”
 
Dee looked thoughtful.  “I suppose I ought to balance my earlier comments about Terry.  He does have a great singing voice.”  I had to agree; Terry does have a nice baritone, and he can carry a tune.  His choice of songs was suspect.  I’d only ever heard his raunchy footy songs.  From the look on Dee’s face, she’s had some love songs poured in her ear. 
 
I’d noted that Ellie has been very noncommittal when we were on bathroom humour.  That wasn’t surprising, given that she was selling her practice in Palestine and already in negotiations with the DA’s office in Dallas.  I know my oldest friend very well and felt quite sure that, in time, she’d make a run at being Dallas’ DA.  She was far too intelligent to have a possible future campaign torpedoed by an off-the-cuff remark she’d made in a woman’s gab session that might get back to bite her in the political arse.  She wasn’t going to let a fart joke keep her from being Dallas County District Attorney.
 
It was also good that Dino would never even be considered as a member of the Dallas Country Club – their members are all from the Old Guard – because they have no Black members.  Every time someone who is a member of the Club runs for public office, that nasty little fact gets pulled up as a campaign distraction, and it’s blown away more than one potential good candidate.  Having said that, I knew there was something Dino must do that drives her round the twist.  I knew she’d get to it sometime this evening, and I wondered what it would be. 
 
Sooze filled some of the time with her next comment.  “You know what all three of them do that drives me up the wall?  They fucking HIRED me because of my knowledge of computers and technology.  In spite of that one simple fact, they start pissing around with their machines, fuck them up, then send up the distress signal.  I have to stop what I’m doing and go un-fuck what they’ve fucked up, and it takes me half-a-fucking HOUR to figure out what they’ve done before I can even begin to repair the damage.  Men!  Jesus!”
 
We all laughed because she was right.  Men seem to think that if it’s a ‘machine,’ they can ‘fix’ it.  Sometimes they can, but where computers are concerned, those occasions are in the minority.  
 
“God bless them.  They try so hard.  You know, Terry does the most adorable thing.  You have to promise me you’ll never repeat this.”  Dee was serious, and we all nodded and waited.  “When he’s asleep, he looks like a perfectly innocent and beautiful child.  This big, strong man, and his face looks so vulnerable when he’s asleep.  I don’t think I could ever get so mad at him that seeing him asleep wouldn’t get me over it.  Of course, then the devil in me surfaces, and I want to rip out his eyelashes.  No man should have eyelashes that long and thick!”
 
“You know, you’re right, Dee.  Max has that same vulnerability.  For all his sternness and force of will, he’s the most gentle, caring man I’ve ever known.  I can’t imagine a man who could ever be a better husband or who will be a more loving and devoted father.  That’s a side of him that I suppose no one but me will ever see, but it’s there.” 
 
Nancy was nodding.  “What is it about men that makes them have to be asleep to completely let down their guard?”  I shook my head.  Professionally, I knew it was because when they’re deeply asleep, all their defences are down, but there’s more to it than that.  I suspect it goes back to that quality Sooze once spoke of …‘it.’
 
 
ELLIE
“We need more margaritas!”  I hope Dee’s ready to die, because I saw the fire in Reags’ eyes when she said that.
 
“Bitch!  You just said that to fucking annoy me.”
 
“Hey, I didn’t get you pregnant.” 
 
“Shut the fuck up.”  I’m so glad I know both of these women well enough to know that they truly are joking. 
 
Celeste wasn’t quite as sure of that.  “So, Reagan, as one mother to another, how has your pregnancy gone?  I know you’ll be so happy to hold your baby in your arms.”  Good segue, Celeste.
 
“Right now I have fears that this will be the longest third trimester in the recorded history of womankind.”  Sooze and Celeste both laughed.
 
“Reags, Honey, we all feel like that at this point in pregnancy.  You’d swear you’re an elephant at this point, and you’re going to carry that child for two years.”
 
“It’s 22-months, Sooze.  Please don’t make it any worse than it is now!”  Okie chose that moment to start hiccupping, and we all burst into laughter again.  Dogs are great straight men.
 
“How do you cure hiccups?”
 
“For a dog?  Beats me!”
 
“For anybody.”
 
“You know, for an intelligent man, Terry can be unbelievably gullible.”  Okay, that got everyone’s interest.
 
“I have to drink an odd number of swallows of water above ten to get rid of my hiccups.  I don’t know why it works, but it does for me, every time.  Terry got them a few months back, and I told him my remedy.”  I’ve finally been around Dee enough to know a good punch line was coming.  “Of course, I put a twist on it …I told him he had to drink from the far side of the glass.”  Reags had just taken a sip from her glass and spit Coke for the second time tonight.  She’s done that since she was a kid, and it’s still funny to me.  Everyone else shouted at the image of Terry Thorne trying to drink from the far side of the glass, and we waited.
 
“He actually did it and managed to get about four sips down before he realized I was pulling his leg.  That’s when he threw the rest of the water on me …of course, he was laughing so hard by that time that he stopped hiccupping.”
 
“When my children were younger, I used to put a spoonful of sugar in the water and have them hold their breath whilst they drank it.  It worked most of the time.” 
 
“Dolores hiccupped when I was pregnant with her.  I didn’t know until then that unborn babies could hiccup.”  I didn’t know that either, but Celeste nodded, so she’d obviously experienced it, too.  We kept swapping stories, and a few minutes later I noticed a funny look on Reags’ face.  I kept watching her, and then she spoke.
 
“This baby has never hiccupped until now.  Damn you two for the power of suggestion!”  Thank God she was laughing when she said it because I’ve seen her temper when when’s really angry.
 
“You know, as much as I love Dino, sometimes when he starts snoring – and it’s usually when he’s really tired – I can’t get him to stop no matter how much I shove him.  Honest to God, at times, I’ve wanted to hold a pillow over his head!”
 
“How did we get from hiccups to snoring?”  Dr. Espan-Kavanagh had the answer for that.
 
“Both are uncontrollable reflexive responses, and you made the unconscious connection.  Fascinating, but it would take a PET scan to follow the neuronal connections and sort it out to find the reason.”
 
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!”  The chorus of Sooze, Dee, and Nancy echoed in the room as Celeste and I laughed.  Reags was laughing harder than we were.
 
“You know, Max’s snoring used not to bother me, but for the last couple of months, it’s just driven me to distraction.  He doesn’t even snore that loudly, but it still annoys the crap out of me.  A week or so ago, he was snoring, and I’d done the patting him on the shoulder and ‘Baby, roll over,’ bit.  He did and kept snoring.  I tried shoving him, and he’d stop for three seconds before starting again.  I finally put my foot in his back – not easy to do when you’re pregnant – and shoved as hard as I could.  I figured that would wake him completely, he’d adjust his position and stop.  Wrong thought …he went flying across the bed and completely out of it!  He was literally airborne for a split second before he landed on the floor.  I’d never imagined a man that big and solid could be so graceful in flight.  Needless to say, he did wake up when he hit the floor.  He raised up and looked at me over the side of the bed and asked if I’d shoved him out of bed.  I told him I must have done it in the midst of a nightmare.”  It was five minutes before we could catch our breath after that one.
 
“The worst lie I’ve ever told Junior was that the shoes I was wearing I’d bought a couple of years earlier, and he just never noticed them!” 
 
“Can I take Inventive Lying 1301 from you two?  I may need the knowledge after Dino and I get married!” 
 
 
“How many of them cook?”  If Sarah was looking for a show of hands, she was sadly disappointed.  Dee’s hand shot sky high and mine went up about three inches.  Reags slapped her hand over mouth and managed to stifle her shout of laughter. 
 
“Max?  In the kitchen?  Not if I want the house still standing after he’s done!” 
 
“You mean you haven’t gotten him past thinking he has to cook the beast he’s just slaughtered over an open fire?” 
 
“Dino’s been single for so long he thinks take-out is cooking.  I guess my hand should go up a little higher.  Sarah, doesn’t Sooze cook these days?”
 
“Yeah, but not as often as she used to.  Of course, Dolores has taken up some of the slack …she hasn’t figured out yet that it can be foreplay, and I hope that doesn’t dawn on her for while yet.”
 
“Foreplay?  Dolores?  Oh, my God, Sarah, how can you use those two words in the same sentence and with reference to my child?”  Sooze looked almost stricken, and Dee tried to calm her.
 
“Sooze, get a grip.  Noah’s on the East Coast and will be for most of the next few years.  That should give you a little peace of mind.”
 
“It isn’t Noah Cabot that makes me worry.  She’s dating now, and while I know the boys she’s dating, I can’t help but worry.  Most of us got fast-talked by some good looking boy before we were out of our teens.”  We were all nodding at that one, even Nancy.  Hmmmm …wonder if the good looking boy was Bill or someone who preceded him?
 
“Nancy …was it Bill for you, or should I not have asked that question?”
 
“It was Bill.  He was teaching me to drive in his old beat-up pick-up, and it stalled once too often.  Thinking back, I think he deliberately killed it, but I didn’t know the difference at the time.” 
 
Dee sighed.  “You know, I’m a little envious.  Terry and I met so late in life that we don’t have those kinds of ‘firsts.’  Not that he would have even considered dating me at that time of my life.  Talk about your mousy nerd!”  Nor do Dino and I or Reags and Max.  I guess there is something to be said for meeting the right man early in life.  There’s more to be said for meeting him anytime you can.
 
“I know it’s a pipe dream, but I’d really like to hold on to the illusion that Dolores will be a virgin when she marries.”
 
“Honey, if she’s serious about Noah Cabot and has any dreams of marrying him, she will be, or Noah will be the only man she’s ever been with.  The Cabots are American royalty …his wife will be expected to be virgin, and Noah won’t have it any other way.  He may screw around before he marries, but it won’t be with your daughter unless it’s truly an accident, and it likely won’t happen more than once.”  Reags should know; she’s known the Cabot family all her life.
 
 
NANCY
If these little girls only knew how wild it could get in an Iowa cornfield. 
 
Dee interrupted my pleasant memories.  “Sarah, you and Sooze have to sit out this round …seat up or seat down?” 
 
That got a universal groan from all but Reags. 
 
“Frankly, I wouldn’t care if he’s just aim.  Junior doesn’t get it, and I’m constantly on the boys about both aiming and putting down the seat for me and their sister.”
 
“Terry changed very quickly.  It must have been the second or third night he was here.  I got up to pee in the middle of the night and fell into the john!  Talk about unromantic!  There I was, waist deep in cold water with two dogs and one naked man staring at me.  I probably shouldn’t even be participating in this because once he fell in love with Holly and caught her drinking out of the toilet, he was horrified.  His precious little girl drinking out of the toilet!  He’s been very careful to put the lid down ever since.”
 
“Max is really very good about that.  Once he realised that the same tongue that licks his hand had been drinking where he pissed, the lid went down and stayed down.  I’ve never had to say a word.”
 
“Before Bill and I married, Bill’s family didn’t have an indoor toilet.  When we got married and had an indoor, flush toilet, I had a problem getting him out of the bathroom.  He was fascinated that it HAD a lid that went up and down.  I think he still is.” 
 
“Okay, favored reading material?”  That from Sooze.
 
“Ours or theirs?”
 
“God, Terry isn’t home enough to show a preference …or if he has one, I haven’t found it.”
 
“Max keeps a copy of Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations on the tank.  That’s where he does his serious thinking, and Meditations seems to inspire him.” 
 
Sooze hooted at that. 
 
“I’m getting this mental picture, ….”
 
“Do NOT go there, Sooze!”  It was five minutes before we stopped laughing.
 
Dee had been quiet for a few minutes, and Sooze looked at her.
 
“I’ll bet it’s something related to guns and ammo, isn’t it?”
 
She got up and walked to their bedroom.  I heard the sound of things hitting the floor, and she finally walked back into the room.
 
“He must go into a Zen state, because there is flat nothing in there other than my recent copy of Vogue …oh, my God!  Do you think he looks at THAT?”
 
 
SOOZE
“Any of them any good at car repairs?”  Reags groaned.
 
“I wouldn’t trust him within 20 feet of either of our cars when the hood’s up.  He’s allowed to wash them, nothing more.  He may be able to field strip an M-17 blindfolded in a Force Five hurricane, but he’s hopeless when it comes to auto mechanics.”
 
“Terry?  A mechanic?  He’s smart enough not to tinker with the electronics on anything new.  He figures it’s easier to pay someone else to do things like that.  When Mabel came back home and we repacked the trunk with her necessities, he looked at the wiring diagrams and handed the manual to me.  Realistically, all he does with cars is buy them.  That’s why our shed looks like a used car lot – excuse me, pre-owned car lot – it’s upscale, but pre-owned.”
 
“Junior was good with cars when we were in Jamaica, but we only had a very old car then, none of the fancy electronics like you see here.  I don’t think he’d even know where to check the oil on a newer car.”
 
“Sooze does most of the maintenance at our house.  If it’s truly electrical, she’ll take them in, but she does the oil changes and anything routine.”
 
“Yeah, I was a poor, single mom for too long, and my brothers and dad taught me basic maintenance.  I still don’t see the point in paying someone to do something I can unless I don’t have the time to do it.  I told Dolores that in addition to passing drivers’ ed, she’d have to be able to change the oil and a tire before I’d let her take her driving test.  She did it before she got her license several months ago.”
 
“I think that’s a very good idea, Sooze.  I’ll make that a requirement for Nona; she’s taking the course in school now, but I’ll take care of the others.  Nancy, would Bill be willing to show her how to do those things?”
 
“He’d be delighted to do that for both of you, Celeste.”
 
 
REAGAN
I stood and stretched as the others looked at me.
 
“I’ve had all the fun I can stand for one day and evening.  The baby and I are calling it a day.  If you have to talk about me, keep it low enough that I can’t hear you!”
 
“Wait, wait, you haven’t seen the car seats!”  Dee was on her feet and running for the exercise room.  Apparently that was where she’d stowed them until she got round to installing them in the vehicles.  She was back in less than a minute and carrying a large box.
 
“I just brought one to show you.  The other two are just like it, except for color …I got them to match the upholstery in each vehicle.  This is the one for Mabel.”  This car seat was a dark gray to match the Jag’s interior.  I looked over the box, and it met all my specs.
 
“If you approve, we can install them tonight.”
 
“Tonight?  I don’t think so!  You lot have had too much alcohol to follow the instructions, and I can’t bend over that far.  You can do it in the morning, and I’ll supervise.” 
 
As I waddled off to bed, I could hear Dee saying, “You do realize we’ve all broken the cardinal rule for good relationships by trading stories about our wonderful, flaky men.”  I’ve no idea how late the rest of them sat up talking.  I can only hope Celeste and Nancy gave Dee some good, practical relationship advice to disabuse her from reading any more pop psychology lists.  She’s started that recently, and it drives me round the twist because that genre is not ‘science.’ 
 
 
 
NOTES

Cavaletti

Small wooden rails secured to non-symmetrical X supports.  They are used in a riding horse’s basic training to encourage him to regulate his stride, improve his balance, loosen and straighten his muscles, and introduce the concept of jumping.  They help alleviate the boredom of training for both horse and rider.